


Ivan Learns the Importance of Using Condoms

by writingandchocolatemilk



Series: RusAme Oneshots [2]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alfred F. Jones - Freeform, Alternate Universe - Aliens, Alternate Universe - Human, Ivan Braginsky - Freeform, M/M, Requests, RusAme, literal trash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-16
Updated: 2015-01-16
Packaged: 2018-03-07 20:25:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3181985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingandchocolatemilk/pseuds/writingandchocolatemilk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe it was a ball. Maybe, in the middle of the night, Alfred had gotten up and glued giant, green balls all over Ivan’s house. Maybe he had gone to a specialty store that sold egg-shaped beach balls. There had to be at least twenty.</p><p>“Alfred.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ivan Learns the Importance of Using Condoms

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SomeBratInAMask](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeBratInAMask/gifts).



Maybe it was a ball. Maybe, in the middle of the night, Alfred had gotten up and glued giant, green balls all over Ivan’s house. Maybe he had gone to a specialty store that sold egg-shaped beach balls. There had to be at least twenty.

“Alfred.”

Nothing, just a vague snore of protest. Ivan shook Alfred again, eyes still focused on the egg. Things.

“Alfred, did you get up in the middle of night? What the hell did you do?” Perhaps accusing Alfred wasn’t the best thing to do, but then again, gluing things all over Ivan’s house wasn’t exactly the best, either. “ _Alfred_!”

“Oh, my God, mom, what is it?” Alfred lifted his head from the pillow, squinting at Ivan. “Where are my glasses?”

“Maybe under one of those!” Ivan pointed at one of the various eggs scattered around his bedroom. “What the _fuck_ did you do?”

Alfred groaned and buried his face back into the pillow. “Fuck,” he moaned, stretching his back. “There may have been something I forgot to tell you. Like, kinda’ important. Did you use a condom?”

Somewhere, someplace, someone let out the scream Ivan’s facial expression brought to mind. Ivan kicked Alfred in the side, nearly falling out of the bed onto one of the eggs. Alfred let out an annoyed yell and grabbed Ivan’s leg, twisting.

“Dude, don’t kick me! Fuck, that _hurt_!”

“What do you mean ‘ _did I use a condom_?!’” Ivan shouted, twisting onto his stomach and attempting to kick Alfred in the teeth. Fucker. “What the hell does that even mean? Why are there eggs everywhere? Alfred!”

Ivan missed Alfred’s face, but got a bite on the foot for his troubles. “Dude, calm your tits! They sort of kinda’ might be mine. Like, my kids. Egg. Things. They’re probably completely harmless while they’re just eggs!”

The morning was slowly descending into more and more chaos. Ivan hid his face in his hands. Alfred let go of his foot, and Ivan slid off of the bed, bumping into one of the eggs and sending it rolling across the floor.

“ _What_?”

Alfred threw a pillow at Ivan. “I’m an alien.”

“ _What_?!”

The blond’s head appeared over the edge of Ivan’s bed. He squinted, probably more concerned for the location of his glasses than the fucking alien eggs. “Like, sort of crash landed here. My people and you people look alike.”

 “Eggs, Alfred, the eggs.”

“Well, yeah, except for the egg part. And the tenticles—“

Ivan rubbed his palms into his eyes. He saw stars, but, honestly, that was probably an improvement. “Alfred, you’re tolerable. You are relatively attractive. We’ve been flirting for a couple of months, so I didn’t think too much of…” Ivan gestured to the space in between them. “But we’re going to have to deal with eggs.”

“Just throw them into a ditch. That’s what you’re supposed to do.” Alfred slithered off of the bed, falling on top of Ivan. “And then they hatch and fight to the death. What time is it?”

Ivan looked at Alfred through his fingers. “I’m having trouble taking you seriously right now.”

“Fuck, I have to get to work.” Alfred stood, tripping over the eggs. He pushed them aside, searching for his clothes. They smacked together, sounding more like bowling balls than the fragile eggs they were. “I’ll be back after my shift, yeah? Find a nice ditch, just about anything will do nicely.”

And then Alfred left Ivan with the fucking eggs. The alien left Ivan alone with his creepy alien eggs. Had it been anything other than a weekend, Ivan probably _would_ have abandoned the eggs on his way to work; not enough time to deal with that. But instead Ivan lay on the floor, watching the eggs.

Christ, how many were there? Ivan counted as many as he could from his position. He counted ten. How could someone lay ten eggs without even caring? How could you not care?

Ivan reached out to touch one of the eggs. It was cold, weirdly so. Was Alfred cold-blooded? What would happen when they hatched? God, how would Ivan feed everyone? He could only work with a club bouncer’s paycheck.

After a couple minutes of searching, Ivan found a permanent marker. He searched his house, counting the eggs and writing their number on the shell. Twenty-four egg babies. How the hell had Alfred laid _twenty-four_ eggs? They hadn’t exactly gone to bed early.

Alfred came home to a nest of pillows and Ivan baby-proofing the house.

“I want to make this work,” Ivan said, smiling. 


End file.
